Having a Family

Most surgeons will have a family, which means a partner/spouse followed by children. This immediately creates potential conflicts as surgery is a full-time job. The conflict can only be resolved by prioritization. The way I have handled it is to separate my professional life from my family life. In my professional world my top priority are my patients. Second come my partners, third my department and then my institution. At home my wife is top priority, and then the children, and last of all me. To balance work and home I have developed an early morning routine, rising between 4 and 4.30 am, arriving at work around 5.00 am. This allows me to do all the paperwork and other busy work early, alone in a quiet department. Then I make rounds at 6 to 6.30 in time for the various meetings that often begin most peoples’ days. At the other end of the day, I try to leave around 5.30, getting home in time to play with the children, to help them with their homework, and to be there for the family dinner. Of course, children grow up and as they grow there are increasing demands made by extracurricular activities such as sports, music, gymnastics, dancing, sleep overs etc. Poor Lois became an Uber driver long before Uber was even conceived as she ferried our three children from here to there and back again. While patients trumped family in that if I had to miss a baseball game because of an emergency surgery I would not hesitate one minute, usually my schedule allowed me to make the activities. In the evening there was time for Lois and I to connect, to discuss events of the day, and to deal with the multiple issues that always come up around home and family. We were able to plan family holidays but my “work trips” put an extra load on Lois that I only came to appreciate when Lois had a few trips of her own and I was the sole parent. Oh my!!!

It is worth remembering that children grow quickly and that they need both parents. They will only be 3 once, and 4 once. They will only give one senior recital, and only have one middle school graduation. This is where priorities truly count. (listen to “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin).

Burn out.

There has been considerable attention given recently to “burn out” in medical professionals. There is very little attention given to “burn out” in mothers left at home. The true value of a spouse or partner is the mutual support that is given and received. Friends help but when the chips are down it is Lois who lifts me up, sets me straight, and sends me back into the fray.

Compartmentalization

This is a special skill that is extremely valuable in any surgeon but particularly in a surgeon with a family. It is the ability to ensure that what happens at work stays at work, and what happens at home stays at home. If I am worried about a sick patient, or about a surgery that didn’t go as well as I had hoped, I do not take these worries home. When I am at home I either maintain my usual cheerful disposition or talk to Lois about why I am a little quiet. Similarly, if there is an issue at home, I don’t let it show at work. My patients deserve all my attention and my most pleasant demeanor. I find that over the years I have learned to compartmentalize well. It has helped me a lot.

The Spouse/partner

The spouse/partner deserves special mention here because surgery is a demanding career. The surgeon/spousal/partner relationship is in danger of starving because of the demands of work. As our children became older Lois and I made a point of going on trips together, having a regular “date night”, going to conferences of mutual interest and even taking ballroom dancing classes. Showing thanks and appreciation for sacrifices made in the interest of career is important. Both Lois and I gave up our homeland, our extended families, and the chance to bring up our children in New Zealand, and Lois gave up her career as a Charge Nurse in the Professorial Pediatric Unit in Auckland. What a huge sacrifice. For my part I gave up golf, a game I played a lot as a teenager and medical student. I just could not justify the time out of the house on weekends when I was gone for the whole week. A spouse/partner who works is a different situation. I cannot comment on it as Lois and I determined early on that the children should have a stay-at-home mother.